POST-DRAFT ANALYSIS

The draft has come and gone, and like all things that have great expectations there are very different ways of looking at it. It wasn’t boring whatsoever, but it was odd. We finished in approximately five hours. There were outsiders. There were sixty-point producers going for thirty bucks. There was a lot of booze (thanks for the Bitburger commissioner); there was a drunken Matt who passed out, only to reappear to bid on guys when he finished his roster. Let us look at some of the memorable moments and what the near future could hold:

Ricky Vallis: First One to Ruin Tim’s Apartment

(By the way, Tim: sweet vinyl collection. I stole the valuable ones.)

So, here we are at about 6:30pm waiting for Ricky and The McKinley’s. Ricky waltzed in like a real stud, flowing hair and all. He walks up to everyone and gives the old handshake. He walks by the table and knocks a beer bottle to the floor. Now the beer bottle was empty and it didn’t break. But seriously, we should have bet on this. Not even forty-five minutes in the man’s house and disaster strikes. Good Lord.

The Martinez Curse

I’ve been in this pool for three years now and every time I look at the rosters the next day, Eddy Kutcher’s roster sticks out like herpes on your nuts. When looking at his roster, I don’t quite get a throbbing boner but I get half-hard, which is more than alright when you’re drunk as shit. Not only does he have top-line forwards, but his depth and his youth are both very promising. The problem is he has guys that go down more often than anyone would in Vietnam. If Eddy’s players are healthy, this guy could take it all the way to the bank. Although his injuries are too costly; and it is a shame since he can’t do anything about that. He does have farm depth, although he can’t afford for his big guns to go down like they did last year. Is he the Montreal Canadiens of our pool?

Arrested Development: The Legion of Delaney

Jesus Harold Christ. Let me just say one thing: When he already had Ovechkin and then started bidding for Crosby (and actually had enough cash to do so and more), I sort of thought Tom Cruise was going to walk in and be like “Hey, assholes…it’s War of The Fucking Worlds in here”. I nearly stabbed myself in the temple with a broken beer bottle. Unlike Ringer who sat there nonchalant eating Roids-4-U protein bars, this guy comes in and drafts like a champ. It may be his first year but he has forwards to contend, some good depth and a solid vision of the game. Maybe his defense could use a little tweaking but that’s nothing he can’t fix during the season. Bro, Ontario cops are so much cooler than these anal rejects we have who didn’t make the cut in junior hockey.

The Definition of Joseph Viviani

Vivani, Joseph (def.): drunk drafting usually makes you have no idea who you picked and makes you fall asleep face down, ass up on a chair.

The Quiet McKinley

Yeah, I’m talking about Rylan. I mean, obviously the guy wasn’t going to bust out a stripper pole and start auditioning for an R. Kelly video (well, he isn’t sixteen either. I actually love R. Kelly though, no joke I have his whole discography). Anyway, my point is last year, he takes a nap. This year, he sits there silently and bids every twenty-five minutes. At least Devin came in and out of bidding often. Rylan is like a silent poison; he sits, watches, drinks a beer, goes for a player and stays quiet. Then you look at his roster and it is amazing. He would make a great robber in Europe.

Joe Canella and Alex Giardini’s Pre-Draft Conversation

AG: You going for Johansson?

JC: I am! You?

AG: Yeah…

JC: (looking at me like I just pissed on his kitchen floor) You Prick…

Then, this is the best: Not only do I get Johansson for twenty-one dollars, but Joe needs to get going and he’s only got one guy left to draft. So he says, “Brendon Morrisson”…and yeah, I got him for thirteen dollars. Now get this: the next day, I instantly regret my life and don’t want either of them.

Alex Giardini

BestPool Correspondent