POST-DRAFT ANALYSIS

The draft has come and gone, and like all things that have great expectations there are very different ways of looking at it. It wasn’t boring whatsoever, but it was odd. We finished in approximately five hours. There were outsiders. There were sixty-point producers going for thirty bucks. There was a lot of booze (thanks for the Bitburger commissioner); there was a drunken Matt who passed out, only to reappear to bid on guys when he finished his roster. Let us look at some of the memorable moments and what the near future could hold:

Ricky Vallis: First One to Ruin Tim’s Apartment

(By the way, Tim: sweet vinyl collection. I stole the valuable ones.)

So, here we are at about 6:30pm waiting for Ricky and The McKinley’s. Ricky waltzed in like a real stud, flowing hair and all. He walks up to everyone and gives the old handshake. He walks by the table and knocks a beer bottle to the floor. Now the beer bottle was empty and it didn’t break. But seriously, we should have bet on this. Not even forty-five minutes in the man’s house and disaster strikes. Good Lord.

The Martinez Curse

I’ve been in this pool for three years now and every time I look at the rosters the next day, Eddy Kutcher’s roster sticks out like herpes on your nuts. When looking at his roster, I don’t quite get a throbbing boner but I get half-hard, which is more than alright when you’re drunk as shit. Not only does he have top-line forwards, but his depth and his youth are both very promising. The problem is he has guys that go down more often than anyone would in Vietnam. If Eddy’s players are healthy, this guy could take it all the way to the bank. Although his injuries are too costly; and it is a shame since he can’t do anything about that. He does have farm depth, although he can’t afford for his big guns to go down like they did last year. Is he the Montreal Canadiens of our pool?

Arrested Development: The Legion of Delaney

Jesus Harold Christ. Let me just say one thing: When he already had Ovechkin and then started bidding for Crosby (and actually had enough cash to do so and more), I sort of thought Tom Cruise was going to walk in and be like “Hey, assholes…it’s War of The Fucking Worlds in here”. I nearly stabbed myself in the temple with a broken beer bottle. Unlike Ringer who sat there nonchalant eating Roids-4-U protein bars, this guy comes in and drafts like a champ. It may be his first year but he has forwards to contend, some good depth and a solid vision of the game. Maybe his defense could use a little tweaking but that’s nothing he can’t fix during the season. Bro, Ontario cops are so much cooler than these anal rejects we have who didn’t make the cut in junior hockey.

The Definition of Joseph Viviani

Vivani, Joseph (def.): drunk drafting usually makes you have no idea who you picked and makes you fall asleep face down, ass up on a chair.

The Quiet McKinley

Yeah, I’m talking about Rylan. I mean, obviously the guy wasn’t going to bust out a stripper pole and start auditioning for an R. Kelly video (well, he isn’t sixteen either. I actually love R. Kelly though, no joke I have his whole discography). Anyway, my point is last year, he takes a nap. This year, he sits there silently and bids every twenty-five minutes. At least Devin came in and out of bidding often. Rylan is like a silent poison; he sits, watches, drinks a beer, goes for a player and stays quiet. Then you look at his roster and it is amazing. He would make a great robber in Europe.

Joe Canella and Alex Giardini’s Pre-Draft Conversation

AG: You going for Johansson?

JC: I am! You?

AG: Yeah…

JC: (looking at me like I just pissed on his kitchen floor) You Prick…

Then, this is the best: Not only do I get Johansson for twenty-one dollars, but Joe needs to get going and he’s only got one guy left to draft. So he says, “Brendon Morrisson”…and yeah, I got him for thirteen dollars. Now get this: the next day, I instantly regret my life and don’t want either of them.

Alex Giardini

BestPool Correspondent

THE DRAFT

Gentlemen, it is upon us.  Although this website has taken a hiatus these past few months, there will be no more excuses; this blog is here to stay and will be relevant just like this pool. Not everyone will agree with my views and opinions but I admire a man like Michael Landsberg and you do too. This pool, thanks to Devin McKinley, has been taking over our lives and making our relationships harder than they actually are. The truth is we couldn’t be happier about that.

This upcoming draft is so special that the anticipation is higher than Scarlett Johansson’s leaked nude photos. Let’s take a look at these jugulars for a moment:

THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN THE 2011-2012 DRAFT

-Who spills beer/food/other shit on Tim’s floor/carpet/valuable piece of furniture

I could have a little side-pot going on, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say everything should be fine. No surprises, no messes. But BestPool draft day is like having 700$ cash in a strip club; you know you might be missing a piece of your soul at the end of the night and by gosh you don’t give a fuck because it feels extravagant. Let us all respect his place like it is ours and show our appreciation with the utmost respect…but I tell you, those Withers brothers always have something up their sleeve.

-The evolution of Ricky Vallis

The ongoing joke in this league is that the bottom spot is reserved for Ricky Vallis but I don’t buy it anymore. Not only is Ricky’s hockey knowledge growing, but so is his place in the pool. Vallis doesn’t fuck around anymore; he isn’t in this for 60, 70 or 80 bucks. He wants to win. Even if we think half of his roster won’t get him anywhere, he knows who to protect and he knows who will fit best into his line-up. I predict Ricky to do well this year. Will he finish Top 3? Ok, let’s be a little reasonable here. Although the further he stays away from Chuck Kobasew, the better his chances will be.

-The revenge of Matt Withers

Matt takes a lot of shit in this pool. It could be because of the way he walks and talks but you’ve got to feel for the elder Withers brother. I mean, being top spot for nine months and losing it all in the last few weeks is worse than walking in on your girlfriend being pounded doggy-style by your Dad. Seriously, think about that…envision her ass thrusting the piece that got you here every time you think about your girlfriend…yeah, that’s how Matt felt. Who knows how Matt will draft and who knows how his roster will look. The thing is he knows his team fucked up last year but he will still walk around with that swagger he has prior to the draft. The biggest mountain Matt must climb is Mount Confidence, because he cannot let that shit drop. If he walks in thinking he is better than all of us and chirps the shit out of us after three beers, he’s back in it. Plus, you got to give it to him: putting your kid in a Maple Leafs jersey and the little guy is still the cutest thing Ontario has to offer…man, that’s really impressive.  

-The debut of Scott ‘‘Pipeszannegger’’ Braganza

The almighty Ringer himself has joined last minute and he’s already had a successful off-season. Even though you look at Ringer’s team and you might not have gone for those players you have to admit he’s doing it right. He’s building quite a decent squad from scratch and will make his mark quickly. To say he will break into the Top 5 à la ‘‘Sophomore Simpson’’ might be pushing it although from what we are seeing, he isn’t to be taken lightly.

-The McKinleys

There’s one thing about the McKinleys that everyone can agree on: they always make their presence felt as contenders. Whether its Rylan’s sneaky game plans (like taking a nap mid-draft to come out with a better team than all of us) or Devin’s long-term plan (to draft the stars of Pierrefonds Minor Hockey so that in a few years he is humbling all of us), it simply works for them. Not only does it work, but it haunts our dreams like that bitch in Snow White. Their impressive knowledge of the game and their relentless effort to better their rosters is something we all must watch out for. If only Joey’s potluck idea could work, because God Almighty I would have dumped have a pack of laxatives all over their chicken wing sauce (yet through the midst of painful diarrhea, they would have still drafted better players than all of us).

-Joey Vivani’s approach

It’s going to be interesting to see what Sexy Jojo decides to do this year. In all honesty, his roster is decimated but there’s one thing Joey does well and that’s getting the best out of his players. He is not shy to go for some grinders we would never touch and when he has his eyes set on a certain man, it works out perfectly for him. When he goes for it, he goes for it. That monumental Carter-Krejci deal last year really was the last cumshot in our mouths that we would be tasting for years.  Could Joey do it twice in a row? It is highly unlikely, but it isn’t impossible either.

-The Red Guys

Before I go any further with this one, it is obvious the top red defensemen are coming from Rylan’s team. Don’t worry my friend Rylan, you should take it as a compliment. Rylan getting a cheap, stellar defence is nothing short of immaculate considering the names and value of those players. There are a handful of forwards as well, even some franchise players who will be thrown back into the pot. The worst part is the price you will be paying for most of them. Don’t think for one minute a guy like Drew Doughty will go for the same price. Everyone is eager to get their hands on a free agent, and the bottom line is every single one of us is going to get a top player to better our squad. Just be prepared to pay a hefty price for some of them because of competition and roster greed.   

Alex Giardini

BestPool Correspondent